So I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe because 10 minutes ago I was balling my eyes out about a love that started two years ago today and ended just over a year ago, so I just feel the need to write out my feelings and thoughts. Two years ago I fell in love with someone over the 4th of July weekend and now as I hear the booms and crackles of fireworks going on around this area I live in, reminders of that relationship and the feelings I felt at the beginning are overwhelming my thoughts and emotions. I'm trying to suppress those feelings by the way I felt when he ended it over a year ago, but it's hard to use the anger and hurt against the more positive feelings of butterflies, joy, happiness and love. But even now as I mull over that last sentence that I wrote and think about what when wrong in our relationship, I realize that it wasn't meant to be and I'm better off today where I am than I would be if he and I were still together.
It was because of that relationship I realized that I had a lot of inner-personal issues that needed to be dealt with. I was in counseling before that relationship, but there is nothing like having another person in your life to bring out the "demons" that lay deep down inside. Some are easier to recognize and deal with when they surface and others show themselves in the worst way but harder to get rid of. The biggest "demon" I faced (and still occasionally struggle with) is acceptance and worth. I was always looking for his approval and constant assurance of love. The fact that I didn't love myself and consider myself someone special really put a strain on our relationship, especially since his own demons that he carried weren't the kind to give into my issues...they were the ones to make my issues worse (He was very independent, selfish and self-reliant whereas I was very dependent and needy in many ways). I had a hard time feeling like he loved me especially because with his up-bringing, showing and speaking of feelings was not common. So it seemed like I was always nagging and crying and he was always defensive and arguing and we were both unhappy but still tied together by genuine love and by "soul ties". He was never one for good timing and he decided to break it off with me hours after I got out of the ER for stress and anxiety-related issues. And then since we both couldn't let go of each other emotionally, the "maybe it might work out after some time" got dragged out for a few more month.
It was during this time in my life and in my emotions that the "demon" of unworthiness and feeling unloved that I've struggled with my entire life really started rearing it's ugly head and bringing my thoughts and my emotions down; down to the lowest point a person could get. I came extremely close to ending my life...some nights laying in bed wishing I could just O.D. on these pills I was given to deal with anxiety but thinking that knowing my luck, they wouldn't kill me then I would just be officially the crazy one in my family. I was also mad that I loved my family so much and my family cared about me so much that their lives would be completely devastated if I actually went through with it and died...and I couldn't handle that. My counselor asked me in one of my sessions if I loved myself and I said "no"; and many times after she would ask me that, I always thought that it was a good thing I didn't love myself because if I did, I would've killed myself to end the pain I was going through. It felt like there was no way out and no way through the pain and the emptiness I felt inside. That "demon" really had a hold on my life and almost took it.
But eventually I got out of that pit and the "demon" has been rid from my life. It really has been by the loving and healing Father God that I am where I am today: a generally happy, self-loving, God-assured 26 year-old woman. This is really the first time in my life that I know that I was created by love, in love and for love by God. He has taken that emptiness in my life and filled it with His hope, His love and His Spirit. I know who I am in Him; fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), that I was created and born for a purpose (Jeremiah 1:5 and Isaiah 49:1), that my salvation and hope is found in Jesus Christ (1 Thessalonians 5:9) and that I am able to lead the life I've been created for through the Holy Spirit (Romans 8). His love for me has been shown throughout the history of this earth and His unconditional love for me has been shown continuously throughout the history of my own life. My life, the good times and the salvation and healing from the bad times, are a testimony to God's love and faithfulness, even when I didn't love myself or love Him back. I've found that we can't feel love when we are looking for it first from others because that's not how God intended for it to work. We are first supposed to find our love and joy in God and give Him our love first before we can find love from ourselves and from others and give love to others as well (Mark 12:29-31).
I'm finding joy and happiness in walking out and fulfilling the calling and promises that had been destined for me. I've realized that we can't be happy when we aren't doing what we have been made to do. We've all heard stories about people who left their high-paying, highly successful careers to do things that others perceived as menial, lowly jobs...but they were happier doing those things than they were doing being at the job they were doing before. I am hoping that sometime in the near future that will be me; I hope to leave my job in the next couple of years in order to enter full-time ministry. It's not going to be an easy path to take, but I know it's what I've been called to do and the grace and love of God is going to help me get through it. Now I'm not saying that everyone needs to quit their job because they may not like it...sometimes you are at the place you work for a reason. But some of us may feel like there is something else that we feel like we should be doing and I encourage you to start taking step towards doing that if you feel that's where the Lord is leading you.
So I guess the moral of the story or the explanation to the title of this blog is that no matter what you are going through, whether you are happy or depressed in life, God loves you...(yes, you). I will say it again... God loves you. I'd dealt with issues of self-hatred and self-loathing for pretty much my entire life, putting on a happy face and pretending that I was "all good" while inside I was in so much pain. God knew what was going on with me and was waiting for me to look to Him for love instead of trying to find it in others (and the way in which I was trying to find love in others). A year ago I felt like love had been lost again and it hurt and it sucked, but I eventually fully embraced the unconditional love of God. He loved me when I could not love myself. My love has not been lost to another, my love has been found in God.
