It's been awhile since I last blogged (over 3 months) and I feel like I should post something. There have been a lot of things going on with me personally in the past month or two but I don't have a conclusion to any of those thoughts (and if I do, none of those conclusions I want to listen to). After conversations today with my co-worker about various good topics to talk about, I will see where this one takes us (maybe a combo of both my life stuff and friend-talk)
Between the shorter amounts of sunlight during the day and also that it is the holiday season, my seasonal winter/holiday funk (possibly to beconsidered S.A.D.-seasonal afficliction depression) has made things a little difficult to handle. The most obvious one for me to point out is that here it is another end of the year and I don't have anyone to bring with me to Thanksgiving, Christmas and to give that midnight kiss to on New Year's. This is one area where I'm struggling to have faith that God has someone out there for me and I really want to give up on doing the "right thing" (things that need to be in order so that I am in the right place mentally, spiritually, physically, etc, to be ready when "Mr. Right" comes into my life) and just do what satisfies me for the moment. The other one that isn't obvious to people is the soul-tie I still feel to someone (poss. the "one that got away"- a topic of conversation with my co-worker today) and I've been on the verge of crying practically everyday at reminders of him and us.
(I just took a break writing this because I started crying and couldn't handle what I was writing, so I started watching a Jeff Dunham Christmas special and talked to my dad about stuff that is going on...I'm good now and some things are in prospective. A response to a FB post made me start this up again)
These thoughts start to bring up a whole plethora of things that make me question myself and what I'm doing the other 9-10 months out of the year when the personal pressures of not having a boyfriend to bring to family gatherings and events isn't haunting me (with the execptions of the weddings that seem to be happening every year now...which brings up these issues for a few weeks leading up to the wedding I'm going to but then go away within days after). I begin to wonder if I've been fooling myself and battle within myself to what is really the "real me", so for about a month and a half I start doubting and question and get all depressed and try to find happiness in things I know only make me feel more like crap in the end because I feel guilty about it and things that happen as a result of these feelings, then it becomes a crap-cycle. (This is actually one of the things my co-worker and I were talking about, but not me as the subject...many single women in general from the ages of early 20's to late 60's). I lose all interest in things that make me happy and bring fulfillment the other 10 months out of the year and become lethargic, forget everything, am apathetic and feel like life is a complete gray blur and I'm not really present in all of it. All I want to do is sit on the couch, eat Christmas cookies and cry.
It's hard to see people my age posting stuff about getting Christmas presents for their husbands and for their kids and doing domestic things. I want that to be me and I'm wondering why it's not. Generally I'm ok with being single; I have the ability to do whatever I want, whenever I want with whomever I want to (which at this time is basically church-related activities after work). I don't have to worry about getting the perfect gift or spending a bazillion dollars on them for Christmas, birthdays, etc. I love the fact that I have a queen bed all to myself (with the exeption of my cat and our little weiner-poddle dog that take up more room each than a person does) and don't have to worry about someone stealing the covers and waking up freezing in the middle of the night. This past year has been the best and happiest I've felt in a really, really long time and I've been solo through it all. But there's something about the trifecta of holiday events that makes me want to be dealing with all of those things and more.
I know what the root of this issue is in my life but in all of the years of talking to counselors, pastors, family, friends (and God) about it, the problem never seems to go fully away during this time of year. The thing is I know who I am, and I know that these things that I want to do for the months of November and December are not what I want in and out of my life, but it's the dark woods in my life that I've never been able to chop down (it has been trimmed back over the past few years and it's not as dense as it once was). I just keep praying that I have the strength and courage to keeping going the way that God wants me to and that the consequences for my falls may not be very damaging to my life and my walk in the future. I was talking with a very wise and awesome woman from my church a few weeks ago and she helped to straighten some things out for me and remind me of God's grace through times like this. It's been easy to turn away and run from God during all of this for so many reasons like guilt and shame but, as my pastor reminded me recently, that this is the time to keep holding on and keep relying on God. But a lot of things are easier said than done sometimes. Luckily there is only like eight more days left to this year and a few detox days after, but I know what my goal is for next year and what to work on for the next 10 months.
I'm sorry if this is a Debbie-Downer post but I felt like I needed to type it out process it for myself and to explain to others around me what has been going on lately if they have noticed something is off with me. No one needs to alert the Lehigh Valley Hospital Psych floor to my state of being, but please say a prayer for me and for others that may be having a hard time during this season. If you are going through the same thing (whether at this holiday time or longer than that), know that there is grace and that I'm here if you want/need to talk to someone.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!!
